Tuesday, April 04, 2006
How long can this go on?
I'm so fed up of not having any money. I'm fed up of my flatmate. I'm so fed up of my job I'm tearing my hair out. And I'm really really really fed up of not having this blog to moan at. It's like my therapist. I've been realising I have issues both with assertiveness (don't laugh) and anger management. People who have been saying I have had issues with anger management all my life can fuck off. These are new issues. Basically, where I would once have happily gone ape, I now think of the consequences of my actions. This leaves me unable to act on my anger, but unable to do anything else either as I usually am so furious I can't speak or breathe. It's a bastard. My face goes red, the pounding starts in my head, and then I think 'don't say that, you'll lose your job and then how will you pay the council tax?' And all I can say is something like 'OK, then, that's fine.' And the I kind of internalise the rage. And by the time I've calmed down enough to clearly and assertively explain my point of view, I've already caved in at the height of my wrath. So I'd just look stupid changing my mind. This is a huge problem, especially right now, where none of my problems are earth-shattering any more, but all of them are niggling and infuriating and highly frustrating: Problem 1.) My flatmate has completely stopped talking to Lovebird and me. Lovebird and him had invited a friend over on Sunday night, but flatmate texted him (the friend) that morning to say he couldn't make it, with no explanation offered. Then he spent the evening in his room. He spends all the time in his room or at his girlfriend's. He only comes out to prepare food and to wash. When he thinks we're not around. This is a wonderful solution to the problem of Flatmate being a tosser, and I am truly grateful to him for making this sacrifice. God knows how he'll get out of the situation. Not only was he in the wrong in the first place (mostly very clear-cut council tax/rent issues) but he's the only one losing out by his sulks. (Apart from the playstation having gone into his room with him.) Actually this is not a problem at all, is it? Hallelujah! Problem 2.) I hate my job. But in 7.5 working days I will have ten days off. In Ireland, no less. That's only 61 hours left to work. Doesn't seem so ba- yes it fucking does. This is not a problem that's going away unless I make it go away. So self-inflicted. So when I said above I was internalising my anger, in this case I should only be blaming myself anyway. And of course XXXXXX council for providing such an atrocious library service to it's quarter of a million council tax payers. (OK, not all of them pay council tax). Fuckers. And I can blame this crappy council alone for bringing out my OCD side. I have to wash my hands every ten minutes!!!! There are GERMS EVERYWHERE!!!!! Where are my antibacterial wipes?!?!?!??!? At least the pay's better. BUT THAT DOESN'T COMPENSATE FOR THE AMOUNT OF IT I HAVE TO SPEND ON BEER AND EASTER EGGS TO CHEER MYSELF UP AND CALM MYSELF DOWN AFTER A DAY IN THIS ABSOLUTE STINKING RANCID SHITHOLE!!!! I feel slightly better now. Problem 3.) The usual. Money. But I can't blame First Direct, who are lovely people. Actually I can only blame myself here too. Well, obviously I blame society, for not respecting library workers enough, and that bastard council again, for not paying me what I'm worth (although I guess since the only thing they're asking me to do is 'look busy' that's not a particularly skilled occupation) But I have enough money, oddly enough. I've just got into the habit of stressing about it and now I can't stop. Beat that for a stupid problem to be tortured constantly by. Problem 4.) Shit, do I have any other problems? I gave up smoking, didn't I? OH yeah, the TV's broken, but I'm rather enjoying that. And it's only the aerial, so when we want to ('we being the two GROWN_UPS living in my house- hah, take that, Flatmate) we can just buy a new one. Pas de probleme. I do have a slight ache in my left ankle, though. I think I'm the happiest person alive!!