Thursday, October 16, 2008

Stuff that makes me dig my fingernails into my palms because I'm so fucking angry

French Milk They INVENTED pasteurisation! Meanwhile, we were working out how to make a decent cup of tea. I don’t care if I get Cowpox or whatever, they can keep their new-fangled science, it tastes funny. People who are sorry that a fascist is dead Either express your deep emotion at every single person who dies ever, every time one of them does die, which should keep you busy and therefore out of my way, or don’t feel sorry that Holocaust deniers die. Spend that ‘sorry time’ thinking about Holocaust victims instead. Find Your Ideal date in Orleans websites They pop up all over the place, don’t they? You’re just doing some academic research [like streaming Scrubs] and the screen is suddenly filled with pictures of girls, 22, Orleans. But they’re always the same girls. So clearly the sites don’t work, or such pretty girls with such flamboyant cleavages would find their Prince Charming and take down their photos. Weird. The verb ‘PMS-ing’ OK, so PMS never had a chance. You come up with scientific proof that aggressive or depressive behaviour in women is linked to a bodily function that only their half of the species experience and clearly there’s going to be some abuse. Some people don’t believe in it, some people describe themselves as suffering particularly badly from it, I personally couldn’t care less one way or the other. Sorry to give offence to ‘sufferers’, suffer away if it makes you feel better, but we’re all full of hormones, we all act weird sometimes, maybe you should adjust your work/life balance, or your being-a-wanker/life balance. If all else fails, every seven months ‘Company’ magazine publishes an article called ‘Men get PMS too’, which will cheer you up if your IQ is the same as the number of days in your menstrual cycle. Periods suck because often you forget and get blood on your pale pink silk pants, the new ones that weren’t from Primark, and because they’re a reminder of your own explosive fertility, a reminder which tends to put me off not just sex but also leaving the house. But hormones suck in the same way that your spinal column sucks- sometimes it plays up and sometimes when you’ve had a long day it really hurts, but what you gonna do? You need that backbone! So if you want to think that you’re being a shit because of the way your reproductive system work, that’s fine, I’m a shit because aliens control me. But YOU HAVE NOT BEEN PROGRAMMED BY SCIENCE TO BE A SHIT EVERY MONTH FOR THREE DAYS. [I have, but that’s for research purposes, for the planet Rrfvhu.] You may FEEL like shit, that may not be your choice. But you do not have to ACT like shit. [Luckily for my conscience, those cheeky Rrfvhu guys also control my muscular movements, including speech and blogging. And my conscience too, come to think of it] You should in fact REMAIN A GOOD PERSON. [No one knows what this is any more. If in doubt ask me.] So should everybody. Don’t let the hormones win! Something is going on here, of course. I don’t like randomly attacking people who are already worried they’re undergoing bloating and mood-swings. I just have to, because of this fucking verb that’s been harshing my mellow recently. Because it’s an attack on my freedom as a woman. WOMEN ARE IN CONTROL OF THEIR ACTIONS. It’s a seditious, sneaky way of telling us we don’t know what we’re doing, just like ‘education makes women’s brains overheat,’ or ‘showing your hair will make you sexually irresistible to men,’ classic methods to fucking keep us in our place. And I’m specially cross because on the same day I saw a woman in a Hollywood romantic-comedy (classic testing ground for all sexist brainwashing due to shortly be released to the masses) a woman explaining her unreasonable behaviour with that fucking verb-
“I’m sorry, but I’m PMS-ing at the moment,”
and then a woman I KNOW asked ME if I was feeling “hormonal” , a dirty euphemism for a filthy, filthy word. (Luckily for her I set her straight.) If anyone ever asks you if you’re PMS-ing, feel free to punch him or her in the face, but please make sure you explain afterwards that you chose to do it of your own free will and were not forced to by either little green men or hormones. (Or me.) Credit Crunch namedropping As in October’s Cosmopolitan
In the current economic climate, it’s more important than ever to know you’re spending money on beauty products that work!
Sorry, been reading too much Cosmo recently. Joe The Plumber He’s the reason people outside America don’t like Americans. He’s the kind of voter that makes you stop believing in democracy. He’s the guy who needs to have a tax-break- not so he can feed his family or take a holiday to the Grand Canyon despite the Whatever Crunch, but so that he can buy his business (why?) hire a bunch of Mexicans [who probably haven’t or can’t register to vote anyway so don’t count] to do the crappy work for minimum (why?) and ‘plough the profits back into the economy’ (can’t understand this either, since the economy is bankrupt and the argument is for a tax-break). And on top of all this, he’s a total smokescreen invented purely to mask a crooked decision to protect the super-rich. And he loves this role- that’s the American Dream, buddy! Sorry, been watching too many Presidential Candidate Debates recently too. Should have stuck to Cosmo. People who feel sorry for me Fuck off. Being of an age where I have spots and wrinkles at the same time OK, if you must feel sorry for me, make it for that. My keyboard The G and H keys stopped working. I asked a computer-savvy friend to sort it out, and he said ‘Shouldn’t be a problem, unless you spilled beer on your laptop,’ so I had to buy a new keyboard, and it’s French, and highly annoying. The Student Loans Company or Student Finance Direct, or Give Us Your Spare Kidney, or whatever they’re called these days. I have a lot of reasons, but at the moment the main one is that all the people on their ‘help’-line are Scottish. So they don’t pay fees. So they’re sitting up there in their loch-side call centre, looking out onto the glen, thinking ‘Och aye, Frances Grahl is tekkin oot a £3000 fees loan! Puir wee Sassenach!’ or something of that ilk, and then smirking. (Excuse racial stereotyping but I am now taking an extra credit course on Scottish Identity, so, you’re wrong.) Liking at the moment- Autumn leaves, carrottes rapées, telling people that Tours belonged to the English in the 12th century


woodscolt said...

What I particularly like about credit crunch articles are the ones that tell you that you can save money in these days of economic turmoil by spending £££££ on a pair of 'simple, classic' trousers or whatever. The Guardian Weekend had a piece last week about how to save money by reupholstering a chair with fabric that cost £65 a metre.

Sicily said...

The best way to "fight the credit crunch" is to guess one of Magic FM's mystery voices, apparently.

weierstrass said...

Please do not confuse pasteurisation with UHT.

problemshelved said...

I don't buy that UHT crap, however even the fresh stuff tatses pretty much disgusting.

problemshelved said...

Another example (not that they're hard to find) of CCnamedropping is this BBC article on Nobel Prize winner JMG Le Clezio, where the writer draws a parallel between no one in England and the USA knowing who he is, and no one in England and the USA knowing what Iceland is until we find they've lost all our money.