Tuesday, November 16, 2010


Actually, in the wake of the Millbank demonstration, and in the current climate of extreme confusion, largely sparked by the Daily Mail, as to what constitutes middle-class-ness, and the uncatalogued mish-mash of alleged symptoms varying from sending your children to private school to never turning your fork over, even for the most slippery sweetcorn, to long Estuary vowels, to a weakness for neurosis, piano lessons and dirty sex, it has occurred to me that an update on Jarvis Cocker's legendary definition might finally be in order.
She told me that her Dad was loaded/
I said "In that case I'll have a rum and coca-cola,"/
She said "Fine."
I have therefore developed my own fool-proof three-part questionnaire in order to identify those elusive middle-classes. Piloted on students at Wednesday's demonstration, (where 99% of students polled answered Yes to two or fewer questions) it has never failed me yet. Just grab your guinea-pig by his white collar and ask him:

1. Do you call it a napkin?
2. Do you control the means of production?
3. Do you have a job?

To be definitely middle-class you must answer Yes to three out of three questions. If you only answer two correctly, you may be middle-class, but you are probably not. Even if instead of working in a coal-mine or a call-centre you are an over-educated part-time teacher with a blog and an olive tree in a pot that you bought at Columbia Road Market, you probably need to think very carefully about your status and your relation to the forces that run this country. And then snap your Macbook shut, tie up your Converse trainers and get marching.

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